Today I was on my old computer because it is the only computer that’s connected to the scanner. My old Imac was the computer I used for the majority of my high school life, and the first year of University. As I was waiting for various things to scan and print I decided to go roaming through my computer I stumbled across a folder which was titled “read this when you’re ready.” I opened the folder and nothing but four separate folders, simply named:

• Yuri
• Maverick
• Karin
• Penguin

I suddenly remembered the purpose of this folder, it held all the photos I had with someone I had dated or had strong feelings for in the past. It was funny because I realised the pet names I had for these girls alternated between an asian name and an animal. 

Yuri:  Now you see Yuri was my first girlfriend, photos of us awkwardly being together, not knowing how we should act around our youth group. Our first photo together, our inside jokes, how her twin sister called me KC Momo, gifs of me and her as well as screenshots of the stupid things we did on MSN webcam. It was a really innocent relationship we had, and as we started innocently we ended innocently as well. 

Maverick: Maverick and I were together .. but not together. We never made things official and as much as we liked each other, we knew it would never work out. The contents of this folder was relatively empty compared to the first one, but still hit a lot of memories. Photos together, photos of gifts we sent each other, plane tickets and finally photos of her graduation. Maverick is 3 years older than me, and she’s happier in a place far away from home.

Karin: See Karin’s folder is interesting because there were two things in this folder. The first was a letter to myself stating that this folder is empty because I decided to delete the contents of this folder in late 2011. The second item that was in this folder is our one photo together, in a park outside her house taken on her phone which I remember I absolutely hated. The letter ended by summing up my feelings.“Forgive yourself, be thankful, remember why everything happened and learn from your mistakes”

Penguin: See this was probably the hardest folder to look at, but it made me smile. Inside was a collection of timetables that she made for me and for herself, a collection of collages, photos from various monthsaries, anniversaries, our “family”, parties, birthdays and valentines days, screenshots of skype phone calls and all the sort. I had photos of her artwork, recordings of her playing piano, a recording of her playing basketball with me. Photos of our early morning walks together, the food we ate together  photos of me and her sister, drawings which we drew for each other, photos that we edited as gifts for one another, photos of our pyjamas and of course, our capitolz. I was so nostalgic and smiling remembering every single detail of the relationship we had, the one that made me mature and grow up the most … however…

As I looked through these folders, I was smiling, I was nostalgic, however something was missing. As much as I missed those times, how much I loved those memories, as much as I usually get cut up in the past emotionally looking at and remembering these sorta things… this time.. I didn’t feel that pain. That thought of “What would happen if we got (back) together” did not exist. I was just happy that I was able to be a part of their lives and so happy that they were able to help shape the person I am today. 

I’m not close with any of them now, apart from one exception, I pretty much ended things on good terms with them, and as much as I gave my heart to them in the past, whenever I see them in real life or see these photos… I just smile haha…

Because who I fell in love with whenever these photos were taken, whenever these folders created… simply put they don’t exist anymore. We’ve grown older, we’re different people. These girls I knew yesterday are not the women they are today.

That folder was created to remind me to not fall in love with the past and focus on the now.

… because if you do, you’ll get hurt.